i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You've changed since you got that strap on
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
