I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
