how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
