Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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