if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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