I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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