I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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