I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
