Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
