At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
