I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
