ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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