Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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