i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
