I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
