i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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