I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I touched a dick in church today
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
