my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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