when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
