your parents love me but you hate me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
