I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
