I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
