Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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