Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
