i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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