That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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