Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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