i just wanna soil my oats bro
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
