the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
