the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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