i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
