Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
