If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
