You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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