Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
