if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Help me help you realize you are a moron
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
