I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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