saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
