Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
