...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
did i walk over a car last night?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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