Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
