woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
is that a dick in a sweater?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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