So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
