You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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