Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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