I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize