Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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