Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is Oprah even human
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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