life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
