Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Houston, we have a squirter
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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