omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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