I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
