I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
