My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
