dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
