i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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