Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
