the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
