why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
