No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize