i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The struggles of a small town man whore
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
