when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
