I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
